The Dance

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She was beautiful. She lived 20 minutes away which might as well been 200 miles since we both didn't have our licenses yet. Through all of the adversity, fate brought us together through a regional choir. I thought I found the "perfect person"... and being 15, I knew I was right. One thing led to another as I found myself asking her to be my girlfriend at the end of "The Notebook".

After dating for three months, not needing to pursue her anymore, I started feeling a strange emotion...boredom. After pursuing her for so long, I got what I was looking for: A relationship. "So what do I do now?", I asked myself. To be honest, I think I panicked so I broke up with her over the phone. I'm pretty confident she wasn't expecting it because I didn't even know it was coming.

Until today, I've always been confused by my actions within that relationship. Why did I suddenly lose feelings? Why did I make such a rash decision on a short-term emotion? All of these questions stayed dormant until I started reading on my personality through the Enneagram (I'm a 4).

I found my answer on page 161:

Once fours find this perfect someone they’ll pull them in until they got close enough to realize that whoever it is won’t fill the hole in their soul. Then, the fours will push them away. Then, when the same person begins to move too far away from them, they start to desire them again.
— The Road Back to You

I wish I knew how to regulate my emotions and not interact with this pull-push dance.  I pull people in hoping they will fulfill a certain desire and then I push them away when they don't. This habit I have that is common with my personality hurts myself and more importantly those around me. 

This quote was my tool to help me realize the way I interact with those in my life. It hurts, but I'm glad that I know so I won't repeat the same hurtful mistakes in the future.

If we don't know why we act the way we act in relationships, how do we expect to have healthy relationships?